seethrough

every now and then someone asks a REALLY GOOD QUESTION… the question may not seem significant if it doesn’t search within you… but if it hits the spot, if it turns you inside our and won’t leave you alone, then it’s a really good one!

a few days ago i came across one of those questions:

Who am I when no one knows what I do, what my name, or nationality are? Who am I when I am just a face in the crowd? Who am I then?

When I am not… Who am I?

This question hasn’t left me alone the past few days. When one surrenders the things you do as a basis for determining and defining one’s identity, what’s left? Is my identity primarily and finally determined by the roles I assume and the functions that I take on? And is there a person under the pile of roles and robes, that’s actually quite… quiet? gentle? patient?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one…

i received an sms this evening:

it’s over 6.30. no more suffering.

after a month of brave holding on, Henry stopped breathing this evening. he was a courageous man and someone i would want to have beside me in any scary situation. he never looked flustered - like he didn’t know what to do next. if he didn’t know what to do, he certainly didn’t let on…

I remember when i nearly turned his 4×4 onto it’s side coming down a sand-dune in Namibia - he quickly stepped in to get us back on the track.

At times like this we are so tempted to want to say something to a grieving family, something that will ease their pain. but all the “be strong” - “he’s in a better place” - “it’s better this way” comments sound like a cheap radio echoing in a huge empty room.

when i took the phone this evening to speak with Marietjie (elaine’s mom) all i could say was i don’t know what to say

i don’t have anything to say to ease the pain. the pain of losing is not a wound that responds well to a treatment of words.

but i do have something to say! Thank you. Thank you for Henry. Thanks for knowing him as much as I did. Thanks for being invited into a fabulous family and being drawn into family times. Thanks for the learning to drive tractors and mow the fields. Thanks for a day of branding cattle! Thanks for a trip through the Namibian desert and for being treated like a man - for being spoken to like an adult.

there’s huge gap now…

I am a delegate to my church’s Conference in Cape Town this week. This morning we discussed various resolutions regarding same-sex relationships. While we were able to strongly affirm and encourage ongoing support and minsitry to gay and lesbian people (see a position), the church does not seem able to recognise the relationships of gay and lesbian people, even if they are committed and faithful relationships between two people. This obviously includes an unwillingness to allow any minister of our church to become an officer under the new Civil Unions legislation of our country. We asked that even just one symbolic person in each region be given permission to register, but this was rejected.

a few of us gathered after lunch to reflect on the discussion. i stood next to an older colleague who’s daughter is lesbian. across the group stood a contemporary who’s brother is gay. i thought of another older colleague who told me of his recent trip to London where he was able to celebrate the marriage of his daughter to her partner, a woman. i was filled with sadness for those whose family members and close friends are so deeply affected by the church’s inability to embrace them as fully human and capable of whole and healthy relationship in line with their sexual orientation.

and as we paused to pray, i began to weep…

many people have said that the Church, and particularly the Methodist Church of Southern Africa, has not taken a position on the issue of gay and lesbian members of our church. Today our Conference, the highest decision-making body of our church, adopted the following position:

This Conference of 2007, in considering the ongoing same-sex discussion, declares its determination not to permit different viewpoints among us to further divide our church. In the face of our differences we recall and reaffirm the 1958 Conference resolution declaring that “it is the will of God for the Methodist Church that it should be one and undivided.”

In the light of that declaration, and informed by the 2001 Conference commitment to being “a community of love rather than rejection,” and the 2005 Conference resolution inviting Methodists embracing “many different and even opposing views on the issue” to “journey together,” this Conference seeks a way forward that both respects and holds in tension differing views among our ministers and people.

Conference therefore resolves:

1. That the grace, affirmation of diversity, and commitment to the unity of the church central to the same-sex resolutions of the 2001 and 2005 Conferences be re-affirmed;
2. That our ministers and people continue to engage this issue in Christian conversation and respectful listening, so that all of us may more fully understand and articulate the variety of viewpoints held within our church;
3. That we will seek to be a Christ-honouring community:

• Celebrating the rich diversity of those called to follow Jesus, honouring the sacred worth of all people and practicing our Wesleyan heritage of warmth, welcome and hospitality;
• Recognising the authority of Scripture, and noting that in our quest for understanding, there is no one, monolithic and incontrovertible interpretation of it;
• Acknowledging that there are therefore some issues upon which there may never be total unanimity within the church and upon which we must “agree to differ” without reducing our respect for, and trust of, one another.

Conference approves the publication of Bible Study material which will assist members of the Church to reflect on the issue of Christians and homosexuality and same-sex relationships;

Conference directs that a meeting be convened to consider the wide spectrum of viewpoints on the civil unions of same-sec souples in order to listen to each other, identify points of agreement and differences and seek a way forward that will enhance the unity of the church. DEWCOM is mandated to convene this engagement;

Conference recognizes that any decision and subsequent action on the issue of civil unions between same-sex partners must await the outcome of the ongoing process of engagement as specified by Conference 2005 (Yearbook 2006, 8.3, p.75) and, in the interim, expects Methodist ministers to continue to offer pastoral care to homosexual individuals as to all others.

I think that this is a strong position calling on the Community of Faith to enter into a serious process of engagement, acknowledging and recognising that there are many different positions within the wider church.

I celebrate the opportunity to be a part of a church that has the maturity to hold the tension that exists in this debate. I also celebrate being part of a community that will continue to embrace Gay and Lesbian people as members and seek to offer pastoral care to them.

I would have like the Church to have given myself, and others, the opportunity to apply to Home Affairs to be registered under the Civil Unions Act as an officer, but the Conference did not agree that the Church is ready to give that permission.

Still, I am encouraged that the majority of people in the Conference were able to support a growing shift toward an inclusive and embracing pastoral stance.

(see Dion’s blog for a more comprehensive record of what happened…)

it was a moving moment today when my past Bishop, Bill Meaker, who is retiring this year, passed a candle to the youngest minister who is to be ordained tomorrow, Rev Englebrecht.

those who are sitting down passing the light to those who are just beginning…

al my kinders (afrikaans for “all my children”) is a phrase that has become commonplace in our home recently. ruben is 2 and a bit, and with the arrival of his sister, cate, has had to share his parents’ attention. elaine, the mother of my two children, has taken to having both of them on her lap and to reassuring ruben with the phrase “al twee my kinders” (both of my children) but ruben has shortened it to al my kinders… now, whenever he is sitting near his mother and his sister he proudly proclaims: al my kinders!!!

jesus is reported to have said once: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (matthew’s gospel, chapter 7)

so what’s this thing about God’s Justice needing to be placated, propitiated, etc. ?

If we, who are not perfect parents, know how to accomodate the whims and insecurities of our young children, how much more is a Heavenly God able to do such “accomodation” - and even more….? I think some of us haven’t even begun to grasp the extent of care that is available to all creation…

Sometimes people just say things SO MUCH BETTER than you could…

(Some pastor freinds of mine have been taking strain from congregation members who don’t like their theological view regarding same-sex relationships. The paragraph below was written by a senior minister colleague in response to those who are struggling. It reflects on sacred violence - a sneaky way for religious types to justify the very behaviour that it would condemn in “the world” as unacceptable and immoral…)

Our people get angry when we threaten their outlets for sacred violence. Its complicated but really means they now have to find someone else to blame/measure themselves against. They now have to find another ‘lesser human’ to scapegoat. That’s where ministers come in!!!! It all gets back to the fact that we have missed the understanding of atonement - which is not Jesus dying to keep God wrath free, but Jesus dying to keep us wrath free. Jesus dies for the sins of those who sin against me. So if I retaliate, I am 2000 years too late. Healthy atonement blames Jesus. If the one to whom I sacrifice is in fact the sacrifice, to whom then is the sacrifice being made?

what happens when a minister/pastor (or any other representative figure in our lives) becomes the “scapegoat” outlet for our pent-up frustrations and aggressions?

having faith seems to be a little bit like having Soul. what it Soul? it’s hard to define - but cool people who have Soul will quickly tell you if someone has it, or not.

having faith seems to be similar for many people I talk to. they aren’t able to easily define what Faith is, but they want to have it, and it’s assumed having more of it is always a good thing. so i’m wondering what is the substance of faith?

recently i did some reflections on the Fruit of the Spirit (the bible: letter to the galatians 5:22) - the author (paul?) uses the analogy of fruit to describe the qualities or values of the good life. faithfulness is on the list, and as I reflected on that i began to wonder about the relationship between having faith and being faithful. at first (mostly because of how I have been trained to think about faith) i assumed they were different things. but I am beginning to think that they are precisely the same. having faith will be quickly seen in a person that is faithful. a faithful person expresses faith in Ways or Values that they are faithful to - even when the results don’t seem to be going the way they would prefer…

Last week news broke about Mother Teresa. A book is being published - a collection of correspondence spanning her whole life which reflects that she “felt abandoned by God“. TIME’s article describes the contrast between the cheery face she portrayed to the world and the personal anguish she experienced in her own spirit. She is quoted in a letter as saying “Jesus has a very special love for you. [But] as for me–The silence and the emptiness is so great–that I look and do not see,–Listen and do not hear.”(1979)

this raises some very interesting questions for the church about the nature of spiritual experience, whether we can expect joy in the journey, etc. Also it raises questions about sainthood and what it means to be a saint. Did Teresa lack integrity by hiding her anguish and presenting a mask of happiness and contentment? Or does this revelation about her personal experience of God further emphasise her piety?

I have never been offended by the discovery that a saintly person has darkness in their life.  In fact, i appreciate the discovery for the way in which is confirms that there is no easy way to God.  All of us who are human are going to have to walk through the mist, and sometimes through the mud.  But more than that, this new insight into Teresa’s life sheds light on my earlier questions about Faith and faithfulness. I was brought up to believe that having faith involved believing certain things - heaven knows what you were (or are) supposed to do if you honestly and truthfully DON’T believe those certain things… The most common problem with this understanding though is that Faith becomes like having Soul - we believe it exists, but how to nail it down? how to get some of this stuff?

Teresa offers us a simpler and more accessible understanding of Faith - having faith is expressed in being faithful.  “Do I have faith?” can be rephrased with “Have I been faithful?”  What this means - for me - is that believing (mental agreement) is of lesser importance.  I’m convinced about some things… some things I just can’t bring myself to believe… but Keeping the Faith is - more and more for me - not so much about trying to convince my head to believe things I don’t believe, but rather about being faithful to Values - a Way - that I trust (no matter how I feel) is the way I want to go…

you could summarise it this way: whether God exists or not - i want to be faithful to the ways of gentleness and peace and compassion…  and faithfulness to these ways will not be determined by how close i feel to God, but rather by the conviction that these are the Values I want to define my life.

henry is “critical but stable”. over the next few weeks i will probably spend some time paying tribute to this remarkable man. if he survives this ordeal I will still be glad to have said these things… I often think we wait too long before we pay tribute to people we love and/or respect…

I have enjoyed my lessons in Narrative Therapy and Counselling. I am not an expert - well, as Narrative practitioners will tell you “the client is the expert” - but I mean that I do not consider myself to have mastered the art of working with the stories and streams of people’s lives in the creative and helpful way that some are able to…  I am constantly challenged by this way of working - and inspired by watching and speaking with people who are more masterful than i.

a (the?) big challenge for a Narrative Therapist is to assist a person to tell the forgotten or neglected (but valued and hopeful) stories of a person’ life. Another way of talking about this is to listen for the Silenced Voices, the marginalised voices in your life.

Certain very Dominant Voices and Stories have a way of taking over a person’s life and trying to strangle and subdue other opposing stories and voices that are not so forceful or well-established. For instance, I may have grown up as a sensitive boy who was able to feel compassion easily and cried often. A Dominant Story of male strength and bravery might come along and subdue the story of sensitivity and compassion, encouraging me to embrace a very different way of being, not necessarily because I really want to, but perhaps for other reasons, like not wanting to be rejected or embarrassed by peers…

The good news is that these subdued voices/stories don’t seem to die. they hide. Sometimes they are hard to find again. but they are there. and with gentle encouragement, they often make a wonderful reappearance offering us new choices for our lives and our futures.

Henry Botha, elaine’s father, had a difficult upbringing. his family was poor and life was hard. He has worked hard and made a life for himself and for his family, who he loves in very practical ways. In some ways, the fear of his past (poverty, i think) has haunted him and made him quite driven in his work. But the thing that I find so commendable is his sensitivity to the underdog. he has never (it seems) forgotten the humble beginnings - where he came from. Henry has an incorrigible love of the underdog. he goes out of his way to help a person who is working hard, but struggling. I think Henry has an ability to see an “underdog” much quicker than the rest of us. He possesses a great sensitivity when it comes to people who are struggling. Even across the racial barrier, Henry is often quietly but generously helping people without seeking recognition.

I have spent so much time trying to learn the theory of sensitivity to the Voice of the Marginalised but tonight I pay tribute to a great man who is so powerfully conscious of the small people, the lowly people… a great quality!