seethrough

i’m too tired to write.

and yet i sit here in front of the computer trying to think of something to say.

in a way I want to write about weariness because it’s seldom really explored.  and yet, being in that worn-out state doesn’t leave one excited about “reflection”.

some of the world’s best poetry has been written during the most painful moments of people’s lives.

i have holiday coming up and leave due to me so there is light at the end of the tunnel.  but I also know how disastrous burn-out has been for so many friends.

one of the pressing voices in my life is the voice of responsibility.  consumer church has set professional pastoral workers up to take a large load of responsibility.  but it’s probably not fair to blame the church entirely.  what kind of people accept that kind of responsibility???  (a certain kind of person who starts out wanting to make a contribution and ends up trying to make other people’s contributions for them…?)

living from peace seems less thrilling to me.  conviction and passion are in many ways linked to the thrill of the deadline.

responsibility

and leading.  leading is tiring too.  seeing and reflecting on the life of a church community with the future in mind.  thinking beyond this week…  considering the “big picture”.  it’s often exciting!  but with a community so invested in the status quo - so reluctant to consider change, so slow to speak about growth and development…  it’s a tiring thing thinking about the future and realising that (in so many ways) we’re waking up about 15 years too late to address the “signs of the times”.  all indications are that a generation has all but given up on church.  and what do we think about that?  well, we haven’t even considered there might be a problem…

i agree that leadership is something of a idol in the church today - as if a leader can transform a church single-handedly…  that is probably the legalistic (perfectionistic, lacking in grace) idol that whips pastors till they burn out…  but leadership does take it’s toll.

then there’s the challenges of family.  (in some ways i see the wisdom of a celibate priesthood).  I can’t help the woman i am married to get the children ready for church, into the car, out of the car, mind them through a service with awfully long periods of silence…  and the incredible challenges of raising children, introducing boundaries and discipline and respect and dignity along with tenderness and grace and spirit and passion.

I think trying to work out how to balance discipline with flexibility as a parent to my son might be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  I have seldom lost my temper in the preceding decade, but have done so weekly for the past year.  It’s tiring trying hard and feeling that you’re not making too much progress.  (one thing that helps is being told he’s “an angel” when he’s with other people… nice comments on his report card from his teacher about his manners… etc.)  But it’s tiring having to face the emotions this boy stirs up in me!

hey!  and these are not unique challenges.  i know I’m not alone - as if my life of work and home, career and family are any more difficult than any other person who is trying to hold the tension of many varying responsibilities.

i remember SARK - in one of her amazing books - recommending napping!  maybe i’ll try that…

and let you know how it goes.

i’m struggling with the fact that many of my contemporaries seem to be dreaming their futures in countries other than our own.

there are just so many reasons to go.  i really want to believe that i will stay (no matter what) but hey, you never know.  never say never.

but, if I’m going to stay, then i want to stay well.  i don’t want to stay, but full of cynicism, negativity and pessimism.  I want to stay with hope.  I want to stay, with a confidence that I have something to contribute to the country of my birth.

same with the community of faith of my birth.  i am fast realising that people of my age are not commonly found in churches today.  we are a scarce commodity.  not more valuable for our scarcity unfortunately.  the generation of which I am a part has largely lost faith in organised religion.

there are just so many reasons to leave.  i really want to believe that i will stay (no matter what) but hey, you never know.  never say never.

but, if I’m going to stay, then i want to stay well.  i don’t want to stay, but full of cynicism, negativity and pessimism.  I want to stay with hope.  I want to stay, with a confidence that I have something to contribute to the community of faith i call home.

so here’s to engagement - to growing confidence that will provide the platform from which to reach out - to keep on giving and investing and contributing and venturing…

and here’s to good news - the stories that are so often be neglected in our negative and previously-privileged milleu.

and here’s to faith - that desperately scarce commodity in a world of bad news stories.  faith is to keep on in the face of the barage of reasons not to!

and lastly, here’s to compassion - a distinctive response to bad and painful and disappointing news in a world of pessimism and negativity.  it might sound cliched to say “let’s pray about these situations” but if prayer is primarily about learning the heart of God (and not trying to influence the heart of God) then compassion will always be the marked and distinctive response of the community that bears faith and hope and charity.

here’s to this planet and this body, this town and this country, this place and this space…

right now,

and forever.

how often do you install software on your pc?  just today a bubble popped up to tell me that Windows had downloaded “critical updates”.  Naturally i clicked the button to install the updates, only to be confronted by that regular (and for me, awkward) screen entitled “User agreement”.  Along with all the other Windows users around the world I was asked to read 93 pages of legally binding agreement, before installing the updates…

i want to know

• who reads all that legal stuff?
• do the people who write it expect us to?
• if not, is it binding?
• why do “critical updates” for software you already paid for and legally own (along with clicking on “AGREE” when you first installed it) require further legal contract?
• do i really have a choice to NOT AGREE?
• can i click AGREE and argue later that I did so in order to gain access to the software, but not with any intention of entering into legal contract because it’s unreasonable to ask a person to read 93 pages every time their pc (automatically) downloads updates…

the more interesting thing than the challenges of living ethically in a digital and internet age is the issue of trust.  we who like to think of ourselves as highly rational, never entering into a situation without consideration of the facts, display a lot of willingness to trust - perhaps not in traditional ways, like trusting a partner or trusting the divine…  and yet it’s still trust.

what if we were to discover that less of our life (our choices, our circumstances, etc.) is determined by “facts” than we like to think… and much more of our life than we recognise is actually determined by trust?