seethrough

i’ve been feeling tired in my soul over the past week.  one afternoon i got home and just crawled into bed.  not really fair on my family.  wife has been sick and children have been demanding.  and yet the weariness i felt was overwhelming.

i don’t usually look for reasons for these kinds of things.  mostly i’ve just ignored my body (and maybe my soul) and expected myself to “get over it”.  but i am learning to be kind to myself.  so I wondered, “what’s the significance of this feeling?”  and even,  “is there a significanc?”

Then a thought popped into my head.  It’s nearly the anniversary of a painful experience in my life that marked the beginning of the end of my marriage.  It’ll be 7 years next week that the marriage that I took so for granted began to crumble.  Sure, it had been crumbling before that, but i wouldn’t face that reality.  But in February 2002 the reality came crashing down as my ex-wife began to make her need for freedom and independence known…

But the main reason for this reflection is not actually that history.  the thing i’ve been wondering about since that thought popped into my head is, how do I know that that’s the right “diagnosis”?  Is this “anniversary” the cause of my tiredness?  or is it some other thing?

I also began to think about how people often explain to me the significance of events and experiences in their lives.  They often speak with great certainty about the meaning and significance of events and experiences.  But what if these are just meanings and significances that we give - because we need explanations.  We want explanations.

We need a diagnosis!

I think there are probably many reasons I’m feeling tired.  A big factor is probably the weight of responsibility I carry.  I’m not blaming anyone.  I choose to accept that weight.  Then there’s the way i work.  and my neglect of night-time rest.  I also haven’t been writing and doing some of these life-giving things that inspire and energise me.  I’m not actually sure that the “anniversary” link is such a big factor.  I just don’t think I’m that sentimental to still be affected by the memory.

But I have enjoyed thinking about the concept of diagnosis: the process by which we decide “what’s wrong”.  and the resulting search for a plausible and acceptable explanation.  I think we choose to give event and experiences in our lives significance and meaning.  It’s something we all do and will always need to do.  These are the stories (and THE story) that will be told about our lives.

but my caution comes from the realisation that it could be easy for ONE explanation, or “meaning” to take hold of us - to dominate our reflection - thus not allowing other possible interpretations, meanings and connections to be made.

I would suggest that if prayer and reflection be our spiritual practices, then they always include time to reflect and pray on how we have chosen to signify, interpret and tell the story of our days…

a diagnosis often helps a lot.  after a long search, an explanation can be of great relief.  But i’m thinking that a diagnosis can also be dangerous…

• when it claims to have the singular explanation for a “problem” (as if there is only ONE factor or cause behind the complex experiences of our lives) and
• when  it makes us passive and closed to other possible meanings, explanations and significances which may be real, but overlooked, because we’ve “got” our diagnosis

may you be - increasingly - well!

take the story of David and Goliath for instance.  What does it teach readers about conflict resolution?  What should you do when you’re being taunted by an enemy that is stronger than you?  The answer is that God takes sides, uses violence to solve the problem and condones the ensuing plundering and slaughter of innocent philistine women and children.  nice.  especially good values to teach our children!  When your big brother is irritating you just have faith, trust God and ….

No wonder horrific violence continues in the middle east and all around the world.  The USA’s invasion of a sovereign state and the toppling of a democratically elected leader is all justified under a pseudo-religious banner of just war theory that presupposes that God use his trusty servants (and their technologically superior WMD’s*) to keep unruly arabs in their place!

which begs the question:  what are we teaching our children?  The values of Jesus or the values we trust and believe in.

The David and Goliath values of violence and elimination as a source of peace stands in striking contrast to the teaching of Jesus.  Jesus suggests “love your enemies” and “pray for those that persecute you”.  and when confronted by the ultimate monsters of roman military imperialism and the pious religious bigotary of the temple leaders Jesus fails to pull his sword or raise his hand.  Kind of practicing what he preached - so as to silence any who would want to suggest that his teaching was “metaphorical” or idealistic.

Anyone who takes Jesus seriously will have to read the scriptures the same way as Jesus did:  carefully, prayerfully, thoughtfully and selectively!  (”you have heard it said… but I say to you…”)

*let’s ask ourselves which country carries the most WMD’s?  (Weapons of Mass Destruction)

Hope is planting a seed!

When a farmer plants a seed there is no guarantee that it will grow and produce a good return.  Sowing seeds always involves a risk.  But Hope still plants the seed.

Many voices will discourage us from taking risks.  And there are many risks we shouldn’t take!  But there are also some risks that - not taken - leave us alone, hopeless and without purpose.  We have to identify some of the voices that discourage us from planting, investing, sharing and giving…  and call them for what they are!  Cynicism, negativity, fear, pride…  these voices, along with many others, suggest that Hope is unrealistic and that sharing is dangerous.  These voices rob us of energy, hope and passion, and leave lying next to the road, beaten up and broken, with no hope.

But Hope still plants the seed.

Planting seeds is about risking investing in a new future.  Planting seeds is the first step that makes a harvest possible.  Potential and Progress, Growth and Development all depend on that first step…

Planting a seed:  registering for that course, initiating that relationship,  starting that exercise programme, reading that book,  making that appointment, having that conversation, writing that thought down, joining that group, visiting that friend, apologising to that neighbour, forgiving that colleague…   finally going to bed!

New beginnings all start with the same act of planting a seed!

(*the title of this post comes from the title of a recent book by Brian McClaren.)

One of the reasons I think I enjoy reading Brian McClaren is the resonance I experience as I read.  For some time I have ventured into the realm of the ancient practices and spiritual disciplines of our shared Christian tradition.  I have some people calling me New Age when I teach people about Centering Prayer.  Two years back, during Lent we gave out prayer beads (resembling a rosary. but with only six beads reflecting 6 spiritual values which we focused on through the 6 weeks of Lent).  There was a great risk that people would reject the concept due to the prejudicial aversion to anything “Catholic”.

This latest book is such an encouragement to me to continue in this direction I have been exploring.  One, for my own growth, to explore deeply in the ancient wisdom.  and two, for our shared life in Christian community - to trust that we do indeed need to rediscover our lost heritage.

In the first few pages of the book, McClaren recalls a conversation with a scientist relating to why books on spirituality - esp. books on Buddhism - are so much more popular than books on Christianity.  The scientist suggests that perhaps this is because Buddhism presents itself as a way of life and Christianity as a system of belief.

The challenge for us followers of Christ is to rediscover our faith as a way of life.

So much energy has been expended on trying to establish orthodox (correct) belief.  But scripture is plainly clear about only one thing.  A life will be measured by the fruit it bears.  A life of love, generosity and compassion will get Yahweh’s attention.  “Whatever you did to the least of these brothers and sisters of mine…”  The fruit of the Spirit - qualities or values that will shape and be reflected in a good person’s life - are things that do not need to be debated because “there is no law against such things”.

The problem with the term Spiritual Disciplines (although I still like the word discipline) is that people have the connotation of discipline as it relates to punishment.  McClaren chooses to speak about Spiritual Practices.  It’s a good clarifying revision.  What we need are things we can practice: generosity, kindness, faithfulness.  And we will need a lot of practise to make progress and grow in these new ways of living.\

We have been afraid, and so we have tended to hold on to things very tightly.  It’s going to take courage - and practise - to begin to live with generosity!

We have become (in the west) very individualistic.  It’s going to take practise to rediscover the joy and benefits (for ourselves and others) of choosing to live in community.

We live in a world of fickel consumers.  Faithfulness will be challenge for us who are so accustomed to more choices than we can handle.

We have been trained to ask “What’s in it for me?”  It’s going to take time to learn the way of love, which asks different questions and finds it’s motivation in very different places.

I’m definitely committed to finding my way again: to finding a simple rythym of spiritual practices that help me to feel that I am following - in a tangible way in my daily life - the one who I call Teacher.

And I am gently - but insistently - going to encourage the people who I pastor to commit to some practices in their daily life that give concrete expression to the things they say they believe!