seethrough

i went out for a paddle today in fairly rough waters.  A few very large waves came through and I was washed out the boat.  That in itself isn’t a big problem.  I let the boat get washed to the shore.  Then I thought I’d  swim in with my paddle.

Strong current made that hard.  Along with some very big waves which meant I was regularly being dumped and having to swim hard to keep my had above water.

Fortunately there were two surfers nearby and I quickly called to one to help me.  He came over quickly and I was able to hold onto his board.  He and I struggled to make any headway but he kept calm and seemed confident we were ok.  We allowed the current to wash us in, recovering after each big wave by hanging onto the board.

Finally we made it in.

I misjudged the waves.  Should have been wearing a life-jacket.  Gave the family (all watching from the beach) a huge fright.

I’m just hugely grateful to Quintin for the help!

Cate was baptised yesterday as my family gathered to celebrate her life. Cate is an easy going, contented child who laughs easily and watches what goes on arround her with great interest.

I baptised my daughter, a sign of God’s single, unrelenting attitude toward us - that we are loved, that our lives are a gift, and that there is nothing we can do to earn Life - it’s given.

I found a phrase from a poem by Meister Eckhart which begins “all beings are words of God”. I used that phrase as a starting point for a prayer, which i read at the Baptism yesterday…

If all beings are words of God
Then, once again you have spoken

If all of creation is part of The Song
Then God, this majestic music invites us
to join in the singing

If every moment is a touch of Your brush
on canvas
Then God, you enthral us with the beauty
of the masterpiece you are working on

We celebrate the life of Cate:

a gentle word
the first movement of a magnificent symphony
an artwork that claims our attention

We anticipate

thrilling conversation
tears and joy as the song is heard
moments that humble
when we see
when we really see the gift

staff are leaving. significant staff. the organisation is grieving. it’s natural - but painful, of course. today was the last day at the office for two of my colleagues… i kind of played MC to their goodbye speeches. they spoke well and it was a good day all round.

but tiring and draining.

so i get home. starving. wonderful wife has not only minded two children all morning but she has also made lunch. i plonk down and begin eating. after grace, of course. elaine asks a question. when i don’t reply she asks again (i think, this is my best recollection). I actually misheard her which is why i didn’t respond in a way which made her think i heard.

but my non-response registered a very interesting comment from elaine. she said something like: “not too worry - it just means that you’re not home yet.”

i really did mishear what she said - but her comment wasn’t far from the mark. i get home buggered and in so many ways i’m at home… but I’m not home yet…

which raises all sorts of questions about being present.  physical presence is no guarantee of the kind of presence that most significant others are hoping and longing for.  to be present in this deeper sense requires attentiveness - giving our attention to the person or activity.  this kind of attentiveness requires concern and compassion - and that means it requires energy…

to be present will best be done then, when we are rested.

i suppose the pain of many relationships between partners and also between parents and children is that time given to these significant relationships is usually given after our energy has been sapped at work all day…  which makes it hard to really be present.

i’ve known Max for longer than i’ve known my wife. he was a faithful friend. he was a beautiful dog - mistaken by many for a Wolf or a Husky, he was a white German Shepherd. He was gentle and thought he was small enough to be a great lap dog. he loved attention and running free. the maxer slept in my room with me through the loneliest nights and always behaved like a gentleman. he never rushed to his food - always taking time to greet people before getting to the bowl. in fact, sometimes food just didn’t seem a priority at all. there were more important things for Max.

He’s been struggling with his hips for some time and so we had to seriously consider his quality of life over the past few weeks. But yesterday we found him very distressed and the Vet suggested that he was poisoned with Insecticide which is hugely distressing. He died this morning at 8am. When I saw him this morning he was lying peacefully in the garden of the Vetinary Clinc and sat with his lifeless body for a while and gave thanks for a quiet gentle gracious companion.

i dunno why i do it.  but i get drawn into debate with colleagues who are strongly opposed to same-sex relationships in the church.  anyway, sometimes the writing stimulates thought which i do appreciate.  a few days ago, in conclusion to a response to a particularly feisty person in the debate i wrote the following:

tomorrow… we celebrate the marriage of two women who have sought God’s heart, allowed the scriptures to shape their characters, served the faith community with giftedness and our country in self-sacrificing ways in their secular work…  and have shown their faithful commitment to loving each other well.  the witness of their lives has done much to help many of us reconsider our unkind dogma and will allow us to acknowledge (whether we like it or not) God’s Kind and Tender Presence in the ceremony tomorrow… far more Kindness than we ever seem to be able to muster ourselves…
and so we did!!!  we toasted to Love and to Life and we celebrated the marriage of phillipa and natasha.  and i think God smiled…

(hopefully there will be photos soon and we’ll post a link…)

i interviewed a gay man on sunday night as a part of our church’s commitement to listening to “outside voices”…

perhaps the most moving part of the whole thing was an email I received from the person’s mother on monday morning:

Dear Barry,

We hope this finds you well. We are Stefano’s parents and we just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for asking Stef to speak at church last night. We so badly wanted to be there but having just recently been down it was not possible. I know he was extremely nervous which in itself shows just how important this opportunity was to him, because as you probably already have realised, Stef is normally very confident and outspoken!!

The reaction he received after the service was so very heartwarming. If even only one person was helped in coming to terms with their sexuality and if only one person’s perception of GLBT people was changed then it was well worth it, because i firmly believe that education is the key to change.

Stefano & Charl may have told you that we came to a service when we were in PE a few weeks ago. We enjoyed it very much although it was very different to a Catholic Mass!! The most important thing is that our precious boys are happy at St.John’s and the fact that they feel welcome and comfortable is all that matters to us. We would like to thank you once again for embracing all people…

there are those who would say that when you befriend a gay or lesbian person, you lose your objectivity - so that you are no longer able to make a good ethical judgement regarding same-sex relationships… the unfortunate implication is that friendship will always get in the way of a faithful spiritual life. but compassion is by definition not an “objective” stance. I have previously argued that objectivity is over-rated. compassion takes sides. it stands in solidarity with people. compassion is less concerned with being right and more concerned with what it might mean to be kind. in answer to an email from a colleague who is desperately concerned about the future well-being of the church i wrote the following prayer:

may we never make a choice based on fear! (and especially as the community of faith - we should know better!)

may we always know more clearly, and speak more joyfully, on what we are FOR than what we are against.

may we have the God-given confidence to stand alone, if necessary, when many have been conformed to the ways of this world!

may we live to see the end of the church and the birth of the Kin’dom.

and may we always surrender control in favour of standing alonside the dis-empowered!

we overcame the fear of power and the power of fear
to liberate slaves when godly men quoted scripture to justify their profits
to affirm the voices of women who speak with the blessing of the Holy Spirit
(and in spite of Paul’s scriptural prohibitions)
to bless the remarriage of those who have found life and love again
after the trauma of the failure of their marriage
to proclaim the dignity and humanity of every person
even when power found scriptural basis for discrimination and domination

we will overcome fear and power again
and in Jesus name!

i received an sms this evening:

it’s over 6.30. no more suffering.

after a month of brave holding on, Henry stopped breathing this evening. he was a courageous man and someone i would want to have beside me in any scary situation. he never looked flustered - like he didn’t know what to do next. if he didn’t know what to do, he certainly didn’t let on…

I remember when i nearly turned his 4×4 onto it’s side coming down a sand-dune in Namibia - he quickly stepped in to get us back on the track.

At times like this we are so tempted to want to say something to a grieving family, something that will ease their pain. but all the “be strong” - “he’s in a better place” - “it’s better this way” comments sound like a cheap radio echoing in a huge empty room.

when i took the phone this evening to speak with Marietjie (elaine’s mom) all i could say was i don’t know what to say

i don’t have anything to say to ease the pain. the pain of losing is not a wound that responds well to a treatment of words.

but i do have something to say! Thank you. Thank you for Henry. Thanks for knowing him as much as I did. Thanks for being invited into a fabulous family and being drawn into family times. Thanks for the learning to drive tractors and mow the fields. Thanks for a day of branding cattle! Thanks for a trip through the Namibian desert and for being treated like a man - for being spoken to like an adult.

there’s huge gap now…

I am a delegate to my church’s Conference in Cape Town this week. This morning we discussed various resolutions regarding same-sex relationships. While we were able to strongly affirm and encourage ongoing support and minsitry to gay and lesbian people (see a position), the church does not seem able to recognise the relationships of gay and lesbian people, even if they are committed and faithful relationships between two people. This obviously includes an unwillingness to allow any minister of our church to become an officer under the new Civil Unions legislation of our country. We asked that even just one symbolic person in each region be given permission to register, but this was rejected.

a few of us gathered after lunch to reflect on the discussion. i stood next to an older colleague who’s daughter is lesbian. across the group stood a contemporary who’s brother is gay. i thought of another older colleague who told me of his recent trip to London where he was able to celebrate the marriage of his daughter to her partner, a woman. i was filled with sadness for those whose family members and close friends are so deeply affected by the church’s inability to embrace them as fully human and capable of whole and healthy relationship in line with their sexual orientation.

and as we paused to pray, i began to weep…

al my kinders (afrikaans for “all my children”) is a phrase that has become commonplace in our home recently. ruben is 2 and a bit, and with the arrival of his sister, cate, has had to share his parents’ attention. elaine, the mother of my two children, has taken to having both of them on her lap and to reassuring ruben with the phrase “al twee my kinders” (both of my children) but ruben has shortened it to al my kinders… now, whenever he is sitting near his mother and his sister he proudly proclaims: al my kinders!!!

jesus is reported to have said once: “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (matthew’s gospel, chapter 7)

so what’s this thing about God’s Justice needing to be placated, propitiated, etc. ?

If we, who are not perfect parents, know how to accomodate the whims and insecurities of our young children, how much more is a Heavenly God able to do such “accomodation” - and even more….? I think some of us haven’t even begun to grasp the extent of care that is available to all creation…

Cate Jenna took her first breath at 28 minutes past midnight - in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Elaine was amazing. She laboured through the contractions with great courage for 6 hours and then gave birth naturally. I am grateful that everything went so well - so well indeed that we were home by 2pm that same day! While one can’t say that it was easy, in many ways, the birth went smoothly and Mother and Daughter are healthy and thriving. Giving birth, while a beautifully natural process, is also a potentially dangerous thing with so many painful possibilities… many friends have experienced these dangers. I am grateful!