seethrough

I have decided to join the “Thursdays in Black” campaign.  It started many years ago in South America and has spread around the world.  I was introduced to it by a colleague who works with Diakonia Council of Churches - www.diakonia.org.za.  The campagin invites people to wear black on Thursdays “towards a world without rape and violence” - especially violence against women.  Since discovering that one in four south african men (in my province) confessed to having raped a women (read my reflection here) I have been keen to explore ways to both heighten awareness and reduce the threat that our society is to women and children.

Will you join me?

You can read about the history of this movement here and here and here.  You can also read the executive summary of the research conducted by the Medical Research Council here.

The Medical Research Council (MRC) in SA published shocking findings after research conducted amongst a representative sample of men in south africa.  the research was done in the Eastern Cape (where I live) and also in Kwazulu Natal (where i used to live).

The results suggest that 1 in 4 men surveyed admitted to having raped a woman.
(you can read an article about the findings here: Mail & Guardian article)

I sat stunned as I read.  I’ve always heard statistics about rape and violence against women in south African society, but this statistic left me reeling.  What is wrong with us?  What is wrong with masculinity?  Even old-fashioned ideas about maleness suggests it’s the mens role to “protect” the so-called weaker sex.  What kind of protection are we offering?

I am not in the 1 in 4 category.  I have not raped a woman.  Which puts me in the 3 in 4 group…  But there’s no comfort in being in that group for me.  I’m asking myself, what have we 3 done to make it possible for the 1 in4 to do what they have done?

How have we colluded with questionable ideas about being “men”?

How have we failed to speak out against attitudes and actions that are not respectful of women?

How have we failed to act - holding our fellow men accountable for their actions?

How can it be that 1 in 4 men have raped a women, and the other 3 know nothing about it?  What is our (what is my) responsibility?

I keep asking myself what am I going to do?

• I’m calling men to kneel with me.  Not to show their “might” but to humble themselves and show their heart!
• I’m going to organise a meeting where men can listen to the experiences of women through the eyes of a person working with rape victims every day.
• I’m going to prepare a talk entitled “why I am a feminist.” and present it before National Women’s Day in August.

But these things are not enough.  the threat to women is too great to simply talk about it.

Pray tell me, what can we do?

[Click on picture to view enlarged version]

a bruised reed he will not break
and a dimly burning wick he will not quench

i often expend much energy and care looking after something when it’s new and blemish-free.  somehow i think if i really try hard i will be able to protect my new cell phone from it’s first scratch.

and then there’s the awful feeling when it slips from my hands for the first time and surrenders to it’s first scrape across the tar…

somehow i never feel quite the same about it again.  more recently i have got better.  i actually relax a lot more once the first scratch has been sustained.

it’s similar with something that is broken or nearing it’s end.  the peacock feather is valued till it get’s a crease  - and somehow then, it’s not longer worth holding.  it’s blemished.  and the insect that has suffered a blow, writhing on it’s back on the stoep.  so easy to just put it out of it’s misery.

it takes a special kind of spirit to see the bruised, bent, nearly broken reed and not just swing one’s arm down to chop it off at the point of weakness.  it’s a precarious patient process - tipping the candle with a short wick so as to drain the wax without snuffing the flame.

this is a value i must claim

i’m tired of bored people looking for a fix.  this quest for “miracles” that takes us looking for unexplained things, as if unexplained phenomenon prove the existence of God…

I was struck this morning as i shared Communion with the people of my church what a miracle it is to get 200 people from different backgrounds, political affiliations, languages and cultures all kneeling together in peace around a simple table and a simple meal.

In fact all the great miracles are the one’s that are easy to explain, but difficult to do:  e.g. political leaders choosing peaceful settlement rather than war - not inexplicable and yet a miracle if it happens.  or witnessing a person who has been deeply hurt coming to a place of forgiveness - not an alien sighting, and yet somehow so much more profound and miraculous when it happens.

this christmas, i’m looking out for the “ordinary” miracles - when the prince of peace comes i think he’ll get us busy on the stuff of miracles…  peace, goodwill toward people, hungry people fed, oppressed people freed…  nothing spectacular, but truly miraculous when it happens!

my early mentor and role-model in the ministry wrote this in a Christmas letter…

Response to Jacob Zuma’s election – at last the voice of the poor is being heard in South Africa! I think there’s little to fear in what’s happened - in fact it’s a chance to start again, in a country with huge riches, to share what we have (e.g. our GINI coefficient is still amongst the worst in the world.) And the story’s not about one man (unlike the Mbeki style). And even if Zuma is convicted, the new Deputy, Kgalema Motlante, has long experience in governance.

besides always being interested in what he has to say about things like this, i’m also always interested to hear an alternative voice. I personally think that most objections to Zuma have tended toward the moralistic (read judgemental) and reflect the affluent preference for a “Mbeki” who will not rock the economic boat too much. i think it is helpful to interpret Zuma’s election in terms of the poor needing to be heard!

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Christians always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in South Africa

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms, just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the information era, or longer life spans.

what happens when you listen to the voice of the outsider?

well, many things actually. lately we have been listening to the “outside voice” at my church. rather than creating a “special” meeting to do this, i put pressure on to have the voices in our regular evening service of worship. my view is that if we can’t speak about stuff in a worship service, then there’s something wrong.

we asked some questions (in an interview style) of a gay man who is in a same-sex relationship and is engaged to be married. We also interviewed two people who are living with disability. we listened to (via video interview) the voice of a social activisit who doesn’t have an easy relationship with the church (Bono of the band U2). and finally, we watched a clip of Richard Dawkins speaking (of The God Delusion fame) and considered how we might respond to the voice of Science, and particularly the voice of those who are opposed to religion.

so, what happened . interesting! Some people struggled with the concept I think. I got emails asking me why we would ask an “atheist” to speak at our church. Some people boy-cotted the evening, meaning that they are not able to speak about the evening from personal experience of the conversation. Listening to the Gay man produced mised results. Some previously “homophobic” (in their own words) people came away from the interview with new openness. Others expressed a struggle with what the Bible says about the issue. I believe (”people are saying”) there are a group of people who are disconcerted about the topics we have convered, but have not spoken to me directly about that. I really appreciate those who spoke to me or emailed me their concerns.

What was emcouraging was that there were some incredible responses. One man who has really struggled with the church because he is a philosophical thinker and finds many of the ways that the church speaks very simplisitic (i think - i shouldt speak for him!) - anyway - he said that the evening on science and religion was one of the most amazing experiences of church he has ever had! Another person complimented the service in this way: “You manage to take a huge subject and not simplify it yet give understanding of it. Simultaneously you manage to encourage and challenge people to be open, to let go of fear and even trust a little more. You have amazing ability to get to the crux of the matter and you communicate with great clarity!”

to sum up:  what happens when a community of faith listens to outside voices… a lot happens!  There’s vigorous debate both in the earshot of the “pastor” and amongst ordinary members of the church… people get talking.  there’s conversation - lively interaction.  disagreement happens and people clarify and confirm what it is they believe - and more importantly - what is important and what is not so important.  the community is challenged to reflect on what they are “for” as well as what they are “against”…

i’d say, what happens is that a community of faith comes alive!  one thing i can assure you is that over the past month, if you checked the pulse of the St John’s community, you’d find that we’re alive!!!

grieving is an energy sapping activity. expect to get very tired!

people are generous. I’m grateful to belong to a community of people who really care. like this evening… friends brought us supper - a wonderful gesture!

people have also sent cards and messages… and numerous sms’s. Again, let me stress how much I appreciate being a part of this kind of community that shares your pain and grief at a time like this.

But let me also be honest and say that some of the messages that we (and especially elaine’s mom, Marietjie) received were quite unhelpful. rather than expressing a simple message of support, some people ventured into advice-giving, suggesting how we (or she, as the widow) should be approaching this loss… really unhelpful. one of the most unhelpful sms messages received during the awful period of waiting suggested that we shouldn’t worry because God would take care of everything and do a miracle - giving Henry a new skin.

oh for God’s sake!

at the funeral one of Henry’s good friends - showing quite a bit of emotion - walked up to the family and handed over a small note. After he had gone we opened the note to find the following message in big writing: “WAT NOU!!!” (afr. “what now!!!)

Indeed. What now? that message was possibly the most helpful message anyone has offered us as a family. not trying to pretend we haven’t lost something irreplaceable - the presence of a husband, father, grand-father and colleague -nor attempting to take away the pain with a quick word of comfort… just sharing the pain and saying it as it is…

I’m reminded of a phrase from that poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Invitation …

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain!  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I am a delegate to my church’s Conference in Cape Town this week. This morning we discussed various resolutions regarding same-sex relationships. While we were able to strongly affirm and encourage ongoing support and minsitry to gay and lesbian people (see a position), the church does not seem able to recognise the relationships of gay and lesbian people, even if they are committed and faithful relationships between two people. This obviously includes an unwillingness to allow any minister of our church to become an officer under the new Civil Unions legislation of our country. We asked that even just one symbolic person in each region be given permission to register, but this was rejected.

a few of us gathered after lunch to reflect on the discussion. i stood next to an older colleague who’s daughter is lesbian. across the group stood a contemporary who’s brother is gay. i thought of another older colleague who told me of his recent trip to London where he was able to celebrate the marriage of his daughter to her partner, a woman. i was filled with sadness for those whose family members and close friends are so deeply affected by the church’s inability to embrace them as fully human and capable of whole and healthy relationship in line with their sexual orientation.

and as we paused to pray, i began to weep…

a group of colleagues recently sent out a letter which begins like this:

in these days of moral and spiritual uncertainty the Church must give clear direction to her people, not least in the area of sexual morality.

while i commend them for their sincere concern for the witness of our church, i find their assumptions difficult to accept.

one of the total misunderstandings (or misrepresentations) of an “inclusive” position with regard to same-sex relationships and the church, is the “so you’re saying anything goes” argument. besides being a logical fallacy (see http://www.fallacyfiles.org/slipslop.html), it also underestimates (or is disrespectful of ) the strong biblical and ethical basis for the position that supports full acceptance of people in same-sex relationship within the life of the Christian community.

on what basis do I support people in same-sex relationships and desire that they be fully embraced by the Christian Community?

1. the story of God relating with people (what biblical scholars call “salvation history”) which is recorded in scripture is an unfolding story of grace and mercy.
the whole of scripture moves from limited experiences and expressions of grace to more and more wide and embracing expressions and experiences of grace…

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