his name is lucky!

but what does it mean to say that someone is lucky?  i often with a person “good luck” as they prepare to tackle difficult conversation or leave on a long trip.

a few weeks ago i was sitting in a group of people who were speaking about relationships and marriage.  we were all offering our thoughts on what we thought made marriage work - and not work.  And as people spoke, I couldn’t help but think that elaine (the person I am married to) and I are just lucky.

it’s easy to pontifiate and offer sagely advice when things are going well for you.  but circumstances can so easily change.  people who get divorced often desperately try to work out what went wrong.  And people who have been married for years are quick to identify the keys to a successful marriage.

but i’m beginning to think that some people are just lucky.  they find each other and things kind of click.  they have their moments, but most of the time being together is good and healthy and marriage is kind to them.  i’m not so sure that elaine and I have made a go of our marriage so much because of us - we have been very fortunate that there is a sense of contentment and settledness that has descended on both of us.  i don’t think we should take too much credit for that!

and that’s where this thought is headed.  i’m thinking that people who are doing “well” - who have been married “successfully” for years and are still happy together, should be careful of assuming they did things “right” - as if they are solely responsible for their success.  Just as people whose relationships fail also might be kind to themselves - acknowledging the many unknowns and unexpected things that contributed to the relationship ending.

i’m not saying i don’t acknowledge the important place of taking responsibility in a committed relationship.  just that we should walk a little humbly when things are going well!

your thoughts?

One Monday - it was my day off - I wandered into Pirates of the Carribean and Capt. Jack Sparrow brought it all back.  Seems pirates are back!  (don’t bother with the sequels - just stick to the original Jack Sparrow movie: The curse of the Black Pearl.  or, find a copy of The Princes Bride and catch up on lost time…)

But there’s a new pirates story that is emerging on the west coast of Africa…

Have you asked yourself why are somalian pirates risking their lives taking hostages from ships passing the horn of africa?  Well, yesterday I discovered some stats that begin to answer the question.

Try compating the mortality rate of children under the age of 5 - in Somali, my home country South Africa and for comparitive sake, the United States:

Comparative mortality of under 5’s (per 1000):

Somalia - 143
South Africa - 59
USA - 8

Next, consider the  comaparative income of the average population GNI per capita (Gross National Income divided by the number of citizens in each country):

Comparative GNI per capita (2007):

Somalia - US$ 140
South Africa - US$ 5760
USA - US$ 46040

(Check the graph on the right to get the full effect of these numbers.)

stats courtesy of UNICEF (studies conducted in 2007)

Another  factor is presented in this articel from thefreelibrary.com:

The reasons behind piracy: piracy off the Somali coast has been headline news, but the media have neglected to say why the pirates do what they do. Massip Farid Ikken reports.

Of course, I could just be soft…  we can always send in the big guns…  Check out the alternative solutions as presetned by Grant Walliser on his High Voltage blog.

I have decided to join the “Thursdays in Black” campaign.  It started many years ago in South America and has spread around the world.  I was introduced to it by a colleague who works with Diakonia Council of Churches - www.diakonia.org.za.  The campagin invites people to wear black on Thursdays “towards a world without rape and violence” - especially violence against women.  Since discovering that one in four south african men (in my province) confessed to having raped a women (read my reflection here) I have been keen to explore ways to both heighten awareness and reduce the threat that our society is to women and children.

Will you join me?

You can read about the history of this movement here and here and here.  You can also read the executive summary of the research conducted by the Medical Research Council here.

but this post pays tribute to my sister and cousin in the UK - Wendy and Sandy - for getting dressed up like pansies and running a 5km race to raise funds and awareness for cancer survivors…

i attended a similar event in Port Elizabeth a few months ago and was deeply moved by the whole experience.  Firstly, both my parents are survivors, and seeing them wearing the T-shirts with the word “SURVIVOR” on them brought it home again that life is fragile and precious.

i was also moved by the generosity of people who ran all through the night to raise funds to assist people who are fighting cancer.

finally, I was deeply moved by the candles that were lit all around the track bearing photos or names remembering the people who have been lost to cancer.  The candles, and all the memories gathered, and the people running made the track sacred space.

i assume the London(?) event was similar, and encouraged runners to participate in support of survivors or in memory of loved ones.  My sister ran for our parents…

So, here’s to the pansy ballerinas… Wendy (7127) and Sandy (7090)…

nice one guys!

i don’t often kneel, but on Monday night i next to a 49 year old man just after he had died from a heart attack.

it’s a strange experience to be at the bedside of a person who has died.  the death is so large and real and in your face.  and yet life is also real and intense.  time seems to slow down and every movement and every word seems to carry special significance.

his wife was near to his side and I was privileged to be able to kneel, and to pray for them.

i prayed a prayer of gratitude.  i was grateful that he had been able to express his love and appreciation for his loved ones so tangibly while he was still alive.  i was grateful that his courage had taken him well along the road toward wholeness.  of course, he wasn’t perfect, but he had walked the road of faith - facing the challenges that come with spiritual growth - and he had made so much ground.  i was grateful for having known him.

i pay tribute to George - a faithful and courageous man - who died suddenly this week.

because his family has shared in the life of our community of faith, we now share in their pain and mourn his loss with them.  somehow things just won’t be the same again.

i have managed to eek out a meagre post (at least once every month) over the past few months, but i’m motivated again to be writing and engaging issues.  my goal is to be writing at least once a week.

some questions i would like to ask you…

• if you have been a regular visitor to seethroughb, what have you found most helpful here?  what would keep you interested and engaged?
• what will make you inclined to comment?  i so enjoy people who comment when they visit - but maybe you don’t want to do that, maybe you just want to read and refelct.  what would make it more likely for you to comment?
• how is the layout of my blog?  I know how it looks on my pc, but have no idea how it comes up when you visit.  how is the colour, the layout, the text size, readablity etc. etc.  (i’m asking for your subjective and honest feed-back here)

of course, this is my blog and if you don’t like it…

just joking

“better” is a judgment that is motivate by the our common need to compare.

how can we overcome this addiction to comparison?

I have spent most of my life within one religious tradition.  at one point i considered changing, but in the end stayed and been fairly stable since then about where home was.  But a friend was recently reflecting her experience of having been in “charismatic” churches and also in “mainline” churches and her observation was that we are all the same: in this sense, that we are all comparing ourselves with the others - so as to better describe our positions.  It seems - she said - that every church community needs to be against something in order to define itself - it’s position and character.

At first I was surprised.  I thought that it was teh Charismatics (THEM) who broke away from us over theological issues like baptism and speaking in tongues.  I thought that it was THEY who were “against” us.   But her surprising observation was that within a “mainline” church she had experience as much negative comparison as in any other church she had been in.  Her conclusion: we all define ourselves by what we are against.

And then the challenge:  she asked, why can’t we define ourselves more often by what we are for?  What are we hoping for?  What are we working for?  What are we longing for?

is this the answer to my earlier question - how can  we overcome our addiction to comparison?  Comparisons are a part of our daily life - comparing and contrasting red with orange, and darker with lighter.  Comparison isn’t in-and-of-itself a bad thing.  But how quickly it degenerates into negatice comparisons that form value judgements about how pretty someone is, how slim someone is, how clever a person is…

And who are we comparing with?  usually our negative comparisons are with ourselves - our body, our party, our church, our position etc… - so as to reaffirm our confidence.

We make a world of “them” and “us”.

We must break this habit.  And we must spend as much of our focus and energy on what we are FOR …

FOR God’s sake.

He invites us to imagine someone trying to complete a puzzle using the picture on the lid of the puzzle box.  Except that the box lid somehow got swapped with another puzzle.  Doing the puzzle becomes increasingly frustrating because the pieces don’t seem to correspond with the picture and vice versa.  Eventually, the person either gives up or they decide to “go” with the box-lid picture, attempting to force the pieces to produce the picture on the box.  Or the person stops using the picture and focuses on the pieces themselves allowing the picture to emerge.

The metaphor is likened to our lives - and the journey of spirituality - to doing a puzzle.  The pieces are our lives, which are real and do reflect some intention and purpose, but this is not entirely clear to us yet.  We may have found a few pieces that seem to go together and so these fragments become our starting place.  The picture we have been given to use as a guide is the version of the Christian religion that passed down to us.  It is a narrow understanding of Jesus that reduces his life and teaching and his death on the cross to a divine plan to get us all into heaven.  This “evacuation” theology focuses almost entirely on saving souls for a life hereafter.  But it seems to have little to say to our present lives and the reality of suffering, the questions we wrestle with, and the purpose of this life.  This view of Christianity has become the “whole truth” and any suggestions that there is more to Jesus than this gets rejected as “liberal” or “new age” or worse.

What is more concerning is the fact that all around the world people are frustrated with the seeming impotence of this “gospel”.  War and genocide ravages countries that we are told were 80% “Christian”.  Poverty continues while “Christian” countries arm themselves with weapons that can destroy the whole earth 60 times over.  (and this is done in the name of “defense”.  what will be left to defend once they have used their arms against their enemies????)  And while a majority of people on this planet proclaim a belief in a benevolent and ultimate power who created the world (and called it “good”?) still humanity struggles to live in ways that is sustainable and respectful of the planet, the only source of oxygen, water and food that we all have at our disposal…

So, it’s not surprising that many have simply stopped using the lid of the puzzle as their guide.  They have rejected organised religion and have decided to live their lives as best they can without the restrictions and prescriptions of religion (they are just getting on with doing the puzzle piece by piece as best they can).  Many of them would say they are deeply spiritual, but not particularly religious.  Which is, if you think about it, a good observation.  Every person IS spiritual - having a spirit which was given to them at birth.  If they are doing anything, they are focusing on living meaningfully in the present, finding odd pieces of the puzzle that fit and putting them together.  These small discoveries might not get them finishing the puzzle, but reflect more good and positive progress than religion offered them previously.

Others are soldiering on faithfully trying to make the pieces fit the picture on the box.  The old story of Jesus has become a matter of life and death.  If you don’t accept that Jesus died on the cross to save us from the wrath of God which would put us in a fiery furnace for eternity to placate his(?) own sense of justice, but because blood was shed now he is willing to have us with him in heaven for glorious eternity providing we say we believe…  If you don’t accept this is the picture that should be guiding us, you’re basically a heretic unbeliever who is going to hell like all the other unbelievers.

And then McClaren suggests there are some who are suggesting we reconsider our “framing story” - our understanding of Jesus and his purpose - which in the metaphor would be like getting the correct picture so that the pieces begin to make sense and fitting them together begins to progress more positively.  For McClaren, the new (correct?) picture for the puzzle is given to us by Jesus when he talks about the Kingdom of God.  The Kingdom of God is the main theme of Jesus’ teaching and is a vision of life lived God’s way - according to God’s values and God’s way.  This new vision (picture) allows us to make better sense of our lives - their purpose and ultimate destiny - and will assist us to live more meaningfully in the present, on this earth, as well as prepare us for the eternal destiny that God has prepared…

Throwing away the old picture doesn’t mean giving up on Jesus or the church.  Although some of the things associated with Jesus and the Church may need to go.  But perhaps it means we see these things in a new way - with new eyes - and are able to live more healthily in our daily lives because of this new vision.

The results suggest that 1 in 4 men surveyed admitted to having raped a woman.
(you can read an article about the findings here: Mail & Guardian article)

I sat stunned as I read.  I’ve always heard statistics about rape and violence against women in south African society, but this statistic left me reeling.  What is wrong with us?  What is wrong with masculinity?  Even old-fashioned ideas about maleness suggests it’s the mens role to “protect” the so-called weaker sex.  What kind of protection are we offering?

I am not in the 1 in 4 category.  I have not raped a woman.  Which puts me in the 3 in 4 group…  But there’s no comfort in being in that group for me.  I’m asking myself, what have we 3 done to make it possible for the 1 in4 to do what they have done?

How have we colluded with questionable ideas about being “men”?

How have we failed to speak out against attitudes and actions that are not respectful of women?

How have we failed to act - holding our fellow men accountable for their actions?

How can it be that 1 in 4 men have raped a women, and the other 3 know nothing about it?  What is our (what is my) responsibility?

I keep asking myself what am I going to do?

• I’m calling men to kneel with me.  Not to show their “might” but to humble themselves and show their heart!
• I’m going to organise a meeting where men can listen to the experiences of women through the eyes of a person working with rape victims every day.
• I’m going to prepare a talk entitled “why I am a feminist.” and present it before National Women’s Day in August.

But these things are not enough.  the threat to women is too great to simply talk about it.

Pray tell me, what can we do?

[Click on picture to view enlarged version]

a colleague of mine often makes reference to “an enemy-loving community” when he talks about the community that has faith in Jesus.  This seems to be one of the most clearly described values of Jesus - and one that he lived out right to the point of death.  Whatever the enemy threw at him, he refused to hate them.  We can reflect on what enabled Jesus to do that - and we should - but the key thing to begin with is recognition that this was not just a path Jesus had to follow so that we wouldn’t have to..  but rather a path he taught, calling us to embrace the value.  He initiated the way and walked ahead of us, calling us to follow.

So Brian McClaren makes this painful observation at a Conference in Magaliesburg this week:

“The Way of a man of peace and reconciliation and liberation who was tortured and killed by powerful people became a powerful religion that defended oppression, torture and violence in the name of this very man.”

Till we really wrestle with how we treat our enemies, I don’t think we have really grappled deeply with the teaching and life of Jesus of Nazareth.  How we feel about our enemies is another matter all together.  Those who have hurt us, abused us and attacked us… their actions are not condoned, nor should they ever be sanctioned.  But as Desmond Tutu observes, “pain, if not transformed, will be transmitted”.  Transformation and Healing is desperately needed in our lives, lest the pain be transmitted, through our words and actions, and through our children to following generations.  Our pain is not ignored of overlooked by Jesus.  His suffering on the cross is precisely the moment of solidarity.  We do not suffer alone.

But what we DO with our pain will become the central question of our lives.  And somehow our enemies become the symbol of everything that salvation is about.  Will they (and we) be destroyed - wiped off the face of the earth?  Or can this situation of conflict, animosity, abuse and violence be redeemed?

who is your enemy today?